“Inside me, it will be safe to be me”
How do you lean into “speaking your truth” in a good way, feeling solid and good in yourself, and leaving room for others to feel solid and good in themselves?
There are distinct stages to becoming peaceful and whole, in and of yourself:
- Able to say what you think without fear or defensiveness.
- Able to listen and make new distinctions,
- Able to influence situations toward love and healing,
- Even willing to be influenced yourself, away from judgment, toward connection.
In the early stages we’re not sure we’re OK, or maybe even pretty sure we’re not.
We’re just figuring this “life” thing out – whether that means we are small children, or whether we are adults being unconsciously directed by the small children inside us.
Then little by little, we begin to start speaking our own opinions more, opening up, testing ourselves and our ideas against the world, making distinctions as we get information back in whatever form it comes.
This can get a little rigid at times, as we get wounded and have to put on armor to feel safe enough to keep speaking.
Sometimes the armor means we stop speaking up altogether.
Then we get a wake-up call.
Some kind of doodoo hits the fan and we wake up. The blinders are off, and we clearly see that something is keeping us from being able to show up, participate and play in our own lives. We see the patterns, start looking behind the veil, and see the armor.
Once we see the armor, we can begin the process of shedding it, bit by bit.
Wherever we’ve been silent, we begin “speaking our truth” which is sometimes pretty pushy and forceful. This is a valid situation, of course: we are re-learning how to speak up and still be safe, and we get to do that however we need to. It’s part of the process.
It can be messy – but that’s OK too.
There will be people who can hold space for us in this, and people who can’t…this is a place for deep trust that everyone is getting what they most need. And what we need in this place is to be OK with ourselves and our processes.
There are also a lot of things we can do that make it a LOT less messy. A lot easier on us and the people around us. If we’re lucky, we find teachers – others who have been down this road – who offer us good tools for navigating this territory without burning too many things down in the process.
As we get better at being OK with ourselves, we begin to know ourselves as safe, and begin to BE authentically safe.
We begin speaking from the heart, with less and less need to push, convince, justify or offer excuses. The small children inside us begin to feel heard enough to let go of their old resentments, and mature into the beautiful, capable, loving beings they are.
Little by little through this process, we naturally begin to speak less and less.
Our need to be heard and seen and appreciated gets filled. We learn how to keep it full, ourselves. As we do that, we relax and begin to just BE safe.
Which is to say – we become truly safe to be around. We are less and less triggered, no longer taking things personally, no longer judging ourselves or others. Letting things be as they are, while still following our desires for growth and expansion.
We begin to be able to listen more, with an open heart.
This creates a zone of safety to those around us, so they can be themselves, whatever that means.
They are free to do whatever they choose.
If they want, as they are ready, they can begin to unwind and put down their armor as well.
In this way, it becomes a gradually quieter, more peaceful, loving, sharing and connecting world.
What does this have to do with boundaries?
The safety that creates that quieter, more peaceful, loving, sharing and connecting world turns out to have two elements.
There is the element of being safe with yourself, no longer judging, rejecting, shaming and comparing,
and the element of being safe to be around.
No longer judging, rejecting, shaming and comparing.
Simply loving, appreciating and supporting.
These are inextricably linked.
In fact, they really are the same thing: safety inside, safety outside.
Toggling back and forth.
You can only be as safe for other people to be around
as you are able and willing to be safe with yourself.
As you make it safe for other people to be around you,
You become more able to feel safe inside yourself.
You are the one who exercises dominion within your own internal world.
You are the one who can say:
Inside me, it will be safe to be me.
The boundaries I will be helping you understand and develop is the boundaries that help you create and hold this space.
Wholeheartedly, with understanding and love.
Without apology, without shame.
With full and complete appreciation for yourself, the people around you, and the system you are a part of.
Four trainings, four coaching calls, in September, 2017.